New Daddy Discovery #9: I almost cut a bitch today.

Uncategorized Apr 25, 2021

Discovery: There will be some people you encounter that you simply don’t even want looking at your baby.

Today we planned a field trip. Cabin fever set in and we both knew we needed to be in fresh air. This of course was the conclusion we came to after I witnessed myself eating a pint of chocolate ice cream while watching The Bachelorette (side note: I’m not sure what the intended genre of that show is supposed to be…but it may be one of the greatest comedies I’ve seen in a long time!)

Any who… the field trip was scheduled to be a 30 minutes/4 block tour of our little beach town: Down To Earth (against my wishes- sorry Jess!- but the wife wanted some almond cookie thing), Target for some new pacifiers and then Anuenue for food and tea!

All is well and on schedule as we made our way to the check out lane at Target. We pass a group of younger girls- sadly 20s are younger to me now- and the “pack leader” practically screams “OMG… That baby is SO cute!!”

I reach for my blade…

Now look… this girl didn’t lunge at the baby or my wife. She didn’t try to touch him or get in his face. She simply laid her eyes on him.

Those ho-ish, fake lash, cat-eye, shity eyes!

Just something about her made me want to punch her in the vagina and tell her to look at someone else’s kid!

Maybe it was because she looked like a dirty ho and I didn’t want my son soiled by her gaze. Maybe it’s because she was loud and it scared me a little. Maybe it was because everyone talks about how stunning my wife is…and now he’s going to get attention too, and I’m dealing with jealousy and insecurity issues (read New Daddy Discovery #7).

Either way… Here’s what I learned:

I have serious control issues. And I am becoming painfully aware that I’m am going to be getting schooled on a daily basis by having a child that means more to me than ANY of my own bullshit. I get the feeling that I will learn, once and for all… I’m not even remotely in control.

And I am grateful.

***Interesting Fact***

A sharp knife does less damage to the cell walls of an onion, releasing less propanethial S-oxide, the irritant that causes you to cry. – a similar reaction happens to the nerves inside the human flesh!