I may go serious on this one…
So scroll ahead if you’re only looking for laughs. But click “like” on your way out, so I can feel validated as a human.
• Discovery: FEAR… on a whole new level.
As most of you know…I’m very familiar with fear. I’m very comfortable in chaos. But uncovering new levels of fear is a mother fucker.
A couple nights ago, I was doing an updated financial audit on my business. Normally I would never do that. I don’t like to think about money or financial issues. Typically, I’m like an ostrich: head in sand = safety. Not knowing= safety. Ignorance is bliss…or some stupid shit like that.
But when you truly start planning for the future and your future involves other people…ignorance isn’t bliss…it’s IGNORANCE.
The reality of doing business in Hawaii keeps getting more and more daunting. And the growing expectations on small businesses in Hawaii is staggering.
A couple years ago I knew I wanted to make a severe change to my business. My business is extremely “successful” by industry standards…but the industry I am in is broken to it’s core…and no one seems to notice. Or care. So I knew a change was needed. Because who wants to be “successful” at being standard?
This was a huge risk I was taking and I knew it would take a very long time to completely evolve. I also knew that it meant that I could lose everything my team and I had worked so hard for.
But these writing aren’t about my business savvy or the realities of the market… or are they?
I learned a few years ago that compartmentalizing your life is grounds for toxic bullshit to grow. Specifically: lying.
I would keep my dating life separate from my personal life, separate from my spiritual life, separate from my professional life and so on…at least in my mind I did. But in practicality of it all…it was more blended than a smoothie.
Having a wife and child depend on you for stability and safety, is an honor and a weight I have never known. It makes a man really have to define what “stability and safety” truly are. Then you have to decide what kind of life you want to provide for your family. It’s fucking awesome and terrifying at the same time.
For some people, having money is the gig. That’s their goal. But I went to school in a town that had an excess of money…and the majority of the parents I observed didn’t seem happy at all. And I think a lot of those parents’ expectations were taken out on their children I grew up around.
For other people, it’s community or communal support. Even though I went to school in an affluent area, the majority of those years were spent commuting to the North East part of town, where my family was the only “white” family for several square miles. The poor part of town. But what I saw there was something different: all of the neighbors spent most of their time outside, socializing and cooking. Talking shit to one another and then laughing. The children were running and playing between neighbor’s duplexes and in the streets..and no one cared. It’s still hard for me to understand their laughter, because they had so little in terms of “monetary wealth”.
But what does any of this have to do with my Daddy Discovery?
Well, later that night…after the audit…I went to change my baby boy’s diaper. He was half awake and grunting in his usual adorable ways.
I reached for a diaper, saw the tiny waist and leg openings… and had an overwhelming fear: “what if I become one of those people that can’t afford to buy my baby diapers?”
My heart lodged itself into my throat…and I cried uncontrollably.
Don’t get me wrong… I am no victim. I am strong and healthy. I am a hard worker and have the work ethic of an ox. I am smart and street savvy. I will survive. I will always land on my feet…
but to feel even the slightest doubt about my ability to care for my family, was the hardest punch to the gut that I have felt in years.
These lessons and discoveries keep coming in waves. I am taken by them all. Good and bad and everything in between. Learning to love someone more than myself is a magical, wonderful and humbling experience.
I am learning to live in new ways. And I am starting to feel that when my baby boy was born, he wasn’t the only one stepping into a new life.
I look forward to meeting the man I will become.
Today while walking with my wife, we were stopped by a oncoming pick up. He pulled up next to us, just to tell me he was enjoying reading my posts. It was a moment that couldn’t have come at a better time.
It means more to me than you guys will ever know, to know that a little laughter, joy or even inspiration can come from my words. I hope I continue to add value to your lives…cause each of you have added so much love and value to mine. Thank you so much Cody, for taking the time to stop us today. And thank each and every one of you for all your engagement and support.
I love you all.