New Daddy Discovery #11: Nipples are… something else.

I’ve been searching for the right descriptive for some time now, to verbalize what I’ve come to learn about nipples.

Female nipples.

Mommy nipples.

Breastfeeding nipples, to be exact.

Um…yeah. There’s a lot going on there.

Originally, I was like “aww…that’s so precious and beautiful” watching this moment between mother and child, during breastfeeding. It’s Life giving, Comfort giving and magical.

Then somewhere recently, that experience shifted. Greatly.

I think it started when my wife asked me to take our son off her lap and pried him off her breast. What I saw was…um… strange??  (See…there’s the adjective I’m searching for again!) Let me put it this way: the first thought that came to my mind was, “hey..!!??…how did you attach a Vienna Sausage to your boob??” And as most of you know me pretty well…the filter between my brain and mouth doesn’t work too well… I asked my wife. Fortunately, she’s cool as hell and started laughing.

“They get that big??!” I was shocked!

Things then, got a little weirder. She asked me to hand her these round pad-like things. They almost look like a Kippah (or Yarmulke) or a coaster for drinks. And she would place them in her bra. Apparently they served a purpose…but I’m still safe in the “I-know-nothing land.”

Okay. No biggie. Right?

The next thing I noticed happening is she started getting me involved with the process. She first asked me to hand her some contraption called a “milkies “. It basically collects excess milk from the boob that isn’t being sucked on. The milkies is just odd. It looks a little like a protective jock cup (guys you know these things) and a glory hole (congratulations on your life choices if you don’t know what a glory hole is). This was still okay…but now it seems like I’m in charge of his thing! And it’s gotten weird.

I place this on her breast, position the nipple inside it and then latch her bra to hold it in place!

And NOW…she’s got me emptying out the collection of excess milk into small jars to be placed in the fridge!!!

I’m freaking out y’all…!!!

These once beautiful, perfect sized, erotic fun-buttons that were for my amusement…are now the tootsie-roll sized, fluid squirting, panic-attack-causing, violators of my day!

And it gets worse!! She laughs at me while making me do it!! The evil laugh!! She enjoys watching me squirm and sweat and it brings her such joy!

Every night, I sit curled up naked in the tub with the shower on high heat, crying and scrubbing my body raw. Hoping my sweet innocent, perfect, sexy nipples will return home to me…where we are safe.

Okay…this last sentence was a lie and strictly for entertainment purposes.

But the rest is completely true!

***Interesting Fact***

You may have heard that nursing burns up to 500 calories a day. And that’s almost right. One researcher was quoted saying: “Breast milk contains 20 calories per ounce, If you feed your baby 20 ounces a day, that’s 400 calories you’ve swept out of your body.”

And now I know how many calories will be in my bowl of cereal tomorrow! 😉