My wife loves to point out all the “cute” or “adorable” physical features my son has that resemble me.
Unfortunately, these are the very same physical features I’m extremely self conscious about.
These “compliments” keep rolling in on the daily:
“Oh look baby, he has back hair just like you!”
“Aw how cute, his hair line is just like yours!” For the record: my son looks as if he has male-pattern baldness already!
“Look at his little ears…they have hair on them! You know who else has hairy ears? Daddy!”
“I just love his double chin. That’s your chin, Jentry. So cute.”
Look, it’s no secret…I have no jaw line and at least two chins! I’m more like a neck with ears. Like Beaker from the Muppets. And yes, I’m a little chubby right now. Obviously hairy too. Okay…whatever.
But why does all of his “good” features get attributed to her contribution?!
“His skin is so pretty and smooth. He gets that from me.”
“His eye lashes are so long…just like mine.”
“He’s so strong, like Mommy.”
I’m starting to realize that this will translate later in life.
Like when he grows up…all of his good accomplishments will be referred to “her son” and all his shitty behaviors will be “my son”.
I can hear the conversations now…
He gets in trouble: “do you know what your son did today?!”
He does something good: “guess what my little man did today?”
I think I’m gonna have to go on the offensive. I’ll start lying to her about she she can’t prove or argue about!
Start fucking with my wife’s head a little. Maybe even give her a complex.
Beat her at her own game.
Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.
“Aw…look who’s sleeping with their mouth open and drooling all over their face! I know someone else who does that!”
“So cute, baby…he snores like a fat man, just like you!”
“Look at how weird his feet are shaped…I know where he got those monkey toes from!”
Now…before I post this…I want all of you to know… I am in NO WAY suicidal. If anything happens to me… I think you’ll know where to start looking.
Happy Monday, everyone!
Let’s kick some ass this week!