Daddy Discovery #14: I am ridiculously out of shape.

Uncategorized May 05, 2021

I’ve been watching the warning signs for a couple years now. Walking up a flight of stairs; I get winded. Bend over to tie my shoes; I gotta suck in my gut and hold my breath. Put on my usual slim fit jeans…and it looks like my pants are baking bread…I believe it’s called a “muffin-top.” When I sit to eat, I unbutton my pants BEFORE I even get started.

And honesty…I didn’t care.

My wife would laugh and poke my belly. One time she said my belly kind of “turned her on”. Yeah…turns out, my bikini model wife is a bit of a chubby chaser! But don’t tell her I said so!

So yeah… it was all good! I still got laid, I still kinda fit my clothes…I didn’t have to buy anything new at least… and my day to day life wasn’t effect too much…

…until recently.

Over the last couple weeks, my wife and I will take our son out of the house for small field trips (remember me wanting to cut a bitch?). A couple doctor appointments, a few walks around the block, a car ride…you know…quick outings to change it up a bit.

And these are actually a lot of fun for me! 90% of the time.

The other 10% is me reliving my middle school years of feeling physically inadequate during P.E., while my coach is yelling at me to “push myself!” All the while, feeling like my arms are going to fall off. Seriously.

I don’t know what happens in the moments that I’m carrying my son in his car seat…but fuck me!! It feels like a Crossfit workout!

My shoulders start getting gassed, my grip starts slipping, my forearms feel like someone is branding me!

It’s ridiculous.

I have to shift from side to side, make up new movements, just to give certain muscle groups a break…and I’ve even started to speed walk to a spot where I can put him down! I seriously look like I gotta poop while rushing around with my kid!

And here’s the deal…I’m already sore every day…and my kid only weighs 7 pounds!! What the hell am I gonna do as he gets heavier?!

I’ve already been trying to get my wife to skip feeding sessions with him…but I don’t have the heart to tell her why!

I ask her every time if we need to bring the diaper bag, because secretly I feel like I may collapse… I think my wife packs bricks in his  diaper bag. For real. “Push yourself!!”

All this being said… I think it’s time for me to do the right thing. I need to take control of this situation and stop feeling weak and sorry for myself. I’ve been avoiding the truth for long enough. I know what I have to do…

I have to buy a stroller!!!

***Interesting Fact***

The Huffington Post wrote that CrossFit will name certain WODs (workout of the day) with female names because “they wreak havoc.” Fran, anyone?!

I’m currently petitioning CrossFit corporate to name a WOD after my wife…and the workout will include using your own child as a sandbag!

Happy Saturday y’all.